But sleeping has fallen apart completely. Edie doesn't get out of bed as much as she has begun waking multiple times in the night and calling for me. We've tried all the obvious things, but nothing seems to work. My favorite are the times that Jeff tries to go to her and Edie totally loses her shit, yelling, "NO!!! I don't want YOU!! I want MOOOOOM." I wish I could say that it's nice to feel needed, but in those particular moments I feel trapped and irritable. I'm going on a 4 day business trip soon. I'm hoping that Edie will be forced to learn that Dad is just as good midnight comforting as Mom while I'm gone.
I keep thinking we might be on an upswing, and then I have a night like last night where I'm so tired and all I want to do is sleep. So instead of sticking to my principles, I somehow end up doing what I have previously judged other mothers for - letting my kid sleep in my bed. Sigh. Jeff slept in the big girl bed, complete with pink ruffled sheets. Giggle.
Parenting is hard work. The hardest I've ever done. I was driving home from a meeting today in a daze - blinking my dry, tired eyes and wondering if I could squeeze a teensy nap in before picking Edie up from daycare (answer - no) and had the dark thought that I should visit the old drop-in Mom's group I used to go to and kill their dreams that sleep will ever return to their lives.
When Edie was a newborn I would go every week to this group and essentially we would all sit around and talk about how tired we were. I remember one Mom asking when it would get better? And the leader hesitating, and then answering, "Well, typically after a year, the topic of these types of gatherings is no longer sleep." HA! If only we knew what she was REALLY saying: "After a year you will be so used to sleep deprivation that waking once or twice every night of your life will no longer be worthy of conversation." Because the truth is that it's not that common for us to go all night without Edie waking and needing something. But after a while, waking once in the night doesn't even warrant mention. It's only the nights like we've been having recently where Edie wakes 4-6 times per night that make me feel so tired I could lie down on my filthy kitchen floor and sleep for days.
But I suppose parenting is nothing if not a lesson in patience and perseverance. It can't be this way forever. Unless I decide to have another kid! Then perhaps it could! Oh. god.
PS: We haven't offloaded pictures from our camera since THANKSGIVING. Apologies and I promise photos soon.