I graduated from college last month. So far it feels a lot like every other summer for the last 17 years… but every once in a while I’m reminded of the fact that I don’t have to go back to school in September. I wonder if every major transition in life is like this – a much smaller deal than I built it up to be over the years. I’m occasionally filled with a self-conscious awareness of my new adult status, but other than this passing feeling, things haven’t changed much. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to have an overwhelming desire to do something with my life like I always thought I would. No one else seems to know what they’re doing, but I guess I can’t shake the feeling that I should. My life feels full of possibilities, but I feel filled with the fear that I will do nothing with these possibilities. I keep having these flashes of myself as a middle aged woman wondering what I did with myself. It’s not that I think I’ll be a failure, but I do worry that I won’t have done anything to make a difference, that I won’t have any stories. I’m more aware than ever that time goes by quickly and that I only really have one chance to do as much as I think I should. When I think about how little time I really have to do all the things I’d like to, when I compare that to how old everything around me was in Europe it seems so small that I’m almost panicked by the brevity of my time. I realize how overly dramatic everything I’m writing sounds, lately I walk a thin line between feeling inspired and ambitious and feeling totally apathetic and just doing what’s easy. When I got home from Europe last week, I was going to walk to work every day and eat healthy, I was going to redecorate the apartment and buy a new, more professional wardrobe. I haven’t done any of those things. I walked to work twice and then borrowed amy’s car. Basically, I’m lazy. But I’m ready for change.
I’d like a new job, but I cringe at the thought of having to update my resume and write a new cover letter and call people and interview and then pretend I know what makes one job better than another one and pick one. I’m actually pretty happy at ELP, but I think I’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t be. I think I’m supposed to do something different, something cooler. Honestly, I don’t know what I want to do. Mostly, I just know what I don’t want to do, which actually helps less than I thought it would.