The Day that Broke the Spell

Well, yesterday wasn't "The Day" at daycare.

But today was!

Yesterday saw improvements - she did a little better at daycare and was great that night at home - no begging or meltdowns. But today when I picked her up, Jen said she'd had a great day with no upsets.

Phew.

Adjustments

I've been meaning to write a post to update you all on how daycare is going for Edie. But the truth is, this shift in our day to day has been harder than I anticipated and my thoughts on the subject get more complicated when I think about putting them in writing.

Edie's first full day at daycare went remarkably well. It reinforced my belief that my child is amazing, well adjusted and adaptable. She even napped! I was most worried that she would struggle with napping in a group setting, but apparently the whole process of getting the nap mats out and getting "tucked in" with all the other kids was one of her favorite parts of the day. She had one little blip when she woke up and was confused and cried for a few minutes, but aside from that, she had a great day. But when I brought her back the following week, things changed. I'm wondering now if day 1 was a big adventure that she didn't think she'd need to replicate. When she realized it was going to be a regular thing to be abandoned by Mom every Tuesday and Wednesday, maybe she no likey quite so much.

My stress over this adjustment is multiplied by the fact that Edie is *desperate* for attention from me (and no one but me) after coming home from daycare. There is a lot of "Mom sit on your lap PLEASE! Sit on your lap!" accompanied by wailing and much sadness if I'm not able to accommodate the request immediately. And heaven forbid Jeff try to fulfill her needs for a lap to sit on. Because he is not MOM and did you not hear that it was MOM whose lap she needed to "pweeeze sit on!"

Oddly, she never panics when I drop her off at daycare, but soon after, things generally take a turn for the fragile and she begs to be carried and to sit in Jen's lap for much of the morning. The 3 days of daycare that followed (over the course of 2 weeks) were hard. I was really busy with work and every time I'd drop her off, I'd think, "This is the day!" but then I'd return at 4:45 to pick her up and I could just tell by how excited she was to see me that she'd really missed me. And all this isn't to say that I don't want her to miss me. I suppose it would be a bit sad if I was so easily replaced by a stranger. But it made me feel guilty. And sad for Edie. I even wondered if I'd done her a disservice by not putting her into daycare earlier - all these kids that get plunked into daycare while still infants don't know any better and never have to make the big adjustment I was foisting upon my child now. But then my friend Darrah kindly said to me that if there was anything to NOT feel guilty about, it's that I've spent the last 2 years raising my own child. It's so easy for me to get all up in my head about this sort of thing, that when she said that, it was sort of like, "Oh. Oh yeah, I shouldn't feel bad that I took care of my kid."

All of this has just raised questions for me though. I'm not going to lie - I even toyed with the idea (very briefly) of pulling Edie out and just going back to the SAHM lifestyle. But the truth is, I'm enjoying working some. It's an interesting balance doing halfsies, but we're figuring it out. It was really silly of me to think that it would all just hammer itself out with no adjustments necessary. Edie never has a hard time being dropped off at friends and families' houses, including for overnights, but this is really different and it was unfair of me to expect that she wouldn't need some time to adjust. I hope to write a separate post about how work is going and this new collaborative lifestyle Jeff and I are leading - my whole life I've only ever worked what my friend Heidi calls "jobby jobs" (which Blogger really wants to autocorrect to Hobby Jobs). And now Jeff and I are both largely working from home - hustling for work and making money on a project basis. It's worth it's own post to explore further some thoughts I've had about this stage in our life.

But to wrap up my thoughts, worries and hopes for daycare: My daycare provider has been great. She sent me the sweetest email last Tuesday assuring me that everything is going to be fine. This may just be testament to my current emotional state, but it actually brought a tiny tear to my eye. Which I hastily wiped away because - I have to maintain my Heart of Stone status, right??

Jen reminded me that because Edie is only doing 2 full days per week, this adjustment is just going to take longer (as opposed to one painful week of full-time immersion). She has a few ideas that she plans to implement this week and I have hope that they will work. The day after she sent me that email, Edie went back to Jen's house and my Mom picked her up right before nap time to take her to Bellingham for 3(!) nights at Grandma and Grandpa's house. I was working crazy hours with 2 events last week and Jeff can't afford to take that kind of time off midweek to care for Edie during the day. Thank god for Grandparents! Jen supposedly told my Mom that Edie had a great morning on Wednesday, so I'm really hopeful that we are currently rounding the corner and maybe tomorrow really will be "the day". Cross your fingers for us.

Under age drinking

This video is particularly hilarious because Edie made everything up herself. We have no idea where she got the idea at all. Anyone that knows us will tell you that we are not beer drinkers. We only really keep beer in the house to drink socially when we have company that favor beer.

If she had indicated that she was drinking wine, this wouldn't really confuse me because wine and I are not strangers, but the beer part really hits me in the funny bone.

4th of July

A belated post with photos of our 4th of July weekend. We hit up the cabin for Saturday and Sunday nights and had the only fabulous weather of the summer so far. Loading up our gear to take out to the boat:
On Grandma and Grandpa's boat:

Rowing to shore:
The new hammock got a lot of play.
Reading old books with Grandpa Mustache.


One of Edie's favorite activities is being dragged around on a beach towel. Fast.


Sparklers!

Cutest bath ever. I was mowing the lawn while this was happening, and every time I'd walk by with the mower, she'd point at me through the glass, wave and I could see her mouth "MAMA!" in the most excited way ever.

Playing with the wooden ferry boat that Grandpa made years ago and Jeff's old Sesame Street cars. When she put them on the boat she exclaimed, "They fit!!"


Rowing out to the Whaler for our first speed boat ride of the summer.
Driving the Whaler with Dad.
Trying to replicate a similar photo taken last year in the Whaler. Remember the "Proud Sailor"?
On Monday the 4th, we stopped for hot dogs and watermelon on my parents' deck before driving back to Seattle. Edie spent pretty much the entire time scooping water from the kiddie pool and dumping it onto the deck, relishing the sound of it hitting the driveway, two stories down.

Motherhood Malaise

It turns out that loving your daughter and being completely annoyed by her are not mutually exclusive emotions. I don't need to say it, but I will - I love Edie. She is smart, funny, adorable and compassionate. I would jump in front of one thousand buses without hesitation if it meant saving her life. I also know that everything passes - the good as well as the bad times. But sometimes I get sick of reading sticky sweet Mommy Blogs that only talk about the good times. It gives such a false impression of parenthood to not share the ugly along with the beauty. Because no matter what anyone says, there ARE both.

It just needs to be said right now that the intense Motherhood Malaise that I've been feeling for the last 48 hours is INTENSE. The way I feel towards Edie today is bumming me out. I'm so tired of her not eating a single bite of dinner when we are at a friend's house or party. She's developed this CHARMING habit of taking bites of things and then dramatically spitting them back out. In fact, spitting in general has become really entertaining to her. And my attempts to curb this habit are the FUNNIEST. To her. Not to me. Because it's not funny at all to me actually.

The last two days have been a cycle of her pooping like 500 times per day, then throwing a total fit when I tell her we need to change her diaper, going limp while I try to carry her upstairs OR if she agrees to walk upstairs herself, stopping on every single step to try and distract me out of changing her diaper. I try so hard to be patient and stand behind her, inhaling the fumes of her dirty diaper while she tries to tell me about the tiny chip of paint flaking off of the third stair for the 10th time that day. I think she honestly believes that this stimulating bit of trivia is going to make me forget the fact that she REEKS. Not to mention the fact that she spends the entire time on her changing table (once we finally get there) kicking me in the chest while I flail around trying not to get covered in shit.

Oh, and she tipped over one of my pots on the front patio this afternoon in blatant disregard of my instructions, shattering my pot. And? She gave me a dirty look while eating lunch for no reason and started chucking her food like I've never seen her do before. I felt like screaming!

Is it possible, Edie is just more annoying these last two days? We took her to an outdoor party tonight for a friend's birthday. Our friends just had their 3rd kid and we knew they'd be there with all three kids so we figured it would be safe to bring Edie too. Their daughter is a few months older than E, so she'd have someone to play with. I also secretly hoped that they would be a hot mess and it would reassure me that having one child was infinitely more manageable by comparison. Rude, but true. Instead, their children sat at the picnic table quietly eating their dinner. They didn't spit all their food out, intentionally squirt their juice box all over the floor, pop 2 balloons, and start running for the door saying, "Edie want to go home!!!" loud enough for everyone nearby to hear. I'm not saying I want to trade Edie for a different model - I don't. But JESUS. She didn't even want the cupcake I finally offered her.

I know I'm not, but I'm feeling like a parenting failure at the moment. I feel I've spent the last 48 hours "telling, not asking" when it comes to necessary actions (ie; "We are putting your pajamas on after dinner" vs "Do you want to put your pjs on?"), offering choices where appropriate to make my child feel in control, explaining everything in detail so that expectations are clear and set early and NONE of it is working. I'm reading Tina Fey's Bossypants right now and I loved the chapter about her dad, Don Fey. I'm starting to think that she's right about a healthy amount of fear for your parents being maybe a good thing. All these modern parenting techniques intended to empower your child are great - but have I perhaps empowered my child a bit too much? Like maybe have I empowered her to feel entitled to spit on my dining room table and kick me in the face while I wipe her butt?

The only real answer that I'm able to come up with at the moment is this: A GLASS OF WINE. Excuse me while I go pour myself one.

Monthly Letter

FYI, I posted Edie's 22 month letter, but it's back-dated to July 30th, so you'll need to scroll down to read it.

Things you'd rather hear about

Probably include Edie's 22 month letter, which was due yesterday. But I just can't seem to get to the photo part of the letter, so you'll have to be patient and wait another day or two.

And may also include "after" photos of our front porch. I have no excuses for this.

But I just felt I needed to inform you that after watching several seasons of So You Think You Can Dance with longing for my old dancing days -- Which I should clarify, never included me dancing as well or looking as fit as any of the contenders on this show, but still... it was at some point a regularly part of my week. But I digress! I meant to say that after watching the show, I found a summer dance class put on by the 5th Avenue Theatre where I will learn full broadway dance numbers taught by the dancers from the big shows here! Pumped. And nervous that my lungs will explode during the first class because, out of shape much? I tried to visit the gym earlier this week (for the first time in a VERY long time) while Edie did her daycare drop-in and my abs STILL hurt from the handful of sit ups I did.