Wednesday, October 30, 2013

2001 Journal

Hahaha! I found this old (typed) journal entry of mine from July of 2001. Jeff and I had just returned from a month long trip to Europe, the job market was total crap and I had been offered to stay on at my UW student job as a full time employee. More than anything, I'm struck by how much wiser I thought I'd be by now. There was more to the entry that I'm not publishing here, but more than once I reference "waking up one day and being 40" and all the regrets I might possibly have at that ancient age. And now that 40 is much closer than the age I was when I wrote this journal entry, it's hilarious how little has really changed with regard to my neurosis.

July 2001:

I graduated from college last month.  So far it feels a lot like every other summer for the last 17 years… but every once in a while I’m reminded of the fact that I don’t have to go back to school in September.  I wonder if every major transition in life is like this – a much smaller deal than I built it up to be over the years.  I’m occasionally filled with a self-conscious awareness of my new adult status, but other than this passing feeling, things haven’t changed much.  I can’t tell if I’m supposed to have an overwhelming desire to do something with my life like I always thought I would.  No one else seems to know what they’re doing, but I guess I can’t shake the feeling that I should.  My life feels full of possibilities, but I feel filled with the fear that I will do nothing with these possibilities.  I keep having these flashes of myself as a middle aged woman wondering what I did with myself.  It’s not that I think I’ll be a failure, but I do worry that I won’t have done anything to make a difference, that I won’t have any stories.  I’m more aware than ever that time goes by quickly and that I only really have one chance to do as much as I think I should.  When I think about how little time I really have to do all the things I’d like to, when I compare that to how old everything around me was in Europe it seems so small that I’m almost panicked by the brevity of my time.  I realize how overly dramatic everything I’m writing sounds, lately I walk a thin line between feeling inspired and ambitious and feeling totally apathetic and just doing what’s easy.  When I got home from Europe last week, I was going to walk to work every day and eat healthy, I was going to redecorate the apartment and buy a new, more professional wardrobe.  I haven’t done any of those things.  I walked to work twice and then borrowed amy’s car.  Basically, I’m lazy.  But I’m ready for change. 

I’d like a new job, but I cringe at the thought of having to update my resume and write a new cover letter and call people and interview and then pretend I know what makes one job better than another one and pick one.  I’m actually pretty happy at ELP, but I think I’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t be.  I think I’m supposed to do something different, something cooler.  Honestly, I don’t know what I want to do.  Mostly, I just know what I don’t want to do, which actually helps less than I thought it would.

No comments: