July 2001:
I graduated from college last month. So far it feels a lot like every other summer
for the last 17 years… but every once in a while I’m reminded of the fact that
I don’t have to go back to school in September.
I wonder if every major transition in life is like this – a much smaller
deal than I built it up to be over the years.
I’m occasionally filled with a self-conscious awareness of my new adult
status, but other than this passing feeling, things haven’t changed much. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to have an
overwhelming desire to do something with my life like I always thought I
would. No one else seems to know what
they’re doing, but I guess I can’t shake the feeling that I should. My life feels full of possibilities, but I
feel filled with the fear that I will do nothing with these possibilities. I keep having these flashes of myself as a
middle aged woman wondering what I did with myself. It’s not that I think I’ll be a failure, but
I do worry that I won’t have done anything to make a difference, that I won’t
have any stories. I’m more aware than
ever that time goes by quickly and that I only really have one chance to do as
much as I think I should. When I think
about how little time I really have to do all the things I’d like to, when I
compare that to how old everything around me was in Europe it seems so small
that I’m almost panicked by the brevity of my time. I realize how overly dramatic everything I’m
writing sounds, lately I walk a thin line between feeling inspired and
ambitious and feeling totally apathetic and just doing what’s easy. When I got home from Europe last week, I was
going to walk to work every day and eat healthy, I was going to redecorate the
apartment and buy a new, more professional wardrobe. I haven’t done any of those things. I walked to work twice and then borrowed
amy’s car. Basically, I’m lazy. But I’m ready for change.
I’d like a new job, but I cringe at the thought of having
to update my resume and write a new cover letter and call people and interview
and then pretend I know what makes one job better than another one and pick
one. I’m actually pretty happy at ELP,
but I think I’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t be. I think I’m supposed to do something
different, something cooler. Honestly, I
don’t know what I want to do. Mostly, I
just know what I don’t want to do, which actually helps less than I thought it
would.
